Jambalaya Time

Hey, what happened to my photo of Joannie's boobs? What vile f*ckery is at foot here? Tipper Gore! Tell me what your name means and give me my titty pictures back! And sleep with one eye open cuz the batlight has been put out and Bd Wong is on the case...the case to find Lara's Titty Picture. Starring BD Wong as comissioner Feygala Gordon...I haven't had a drink in 5 days, fyi, et al.

Ok Jambalaya time. This recipe serves two but you can eat the other half later after you look at your 401K. Hope you don't keep straight razors in your house!!!

HOOKER FACE JAMBALAYA

1 andouille sausage link chopped-mine came precooked but you should cook it before you add it so it doesn't fall apart on you.
3 ribs celery
1/2 an onion coursely chopped
1/2 can diced tomatoes
1 cup chicken stock
1 cup frozen okra
however much peeled, deveined frozen shrimp you want
I use 1 bag trader joes frozen brown rice. Use whatever/however much rice you want.
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp garlic powder
1 bay leaf
tabasco

Okey doke! A little olive oil in the bottom of a soup cooking pan and getcher onion in there. After a few minutes, add celery. Add the andouille and the spices. Let these all get together in your pot for a bit and then add the chicken stock, the half can of diced tomatoes, and the okra. Bring to a low boil and leave it alone for a while. When you are ready to eat, add the frozen shrimp and then finally the frozen rice.

Brown rice doesn't seem to make this dish as gluey as I've had it in restaurants. Boo hoo. I kept it in the pan and cooked it down a bit but this is definitely a looser jambalaya. Loose like yours truly. But very good and very easy. Easy like yours truly. Awwww.

Joannie's Boobs and Red Pepper Hummus

Oh, good lord. I'm going to have to eat a lot of cheese to get my boobs to do that. Luckily, I am up for the challenge.

It's red pepper hummus day because my red peppers are starting to go bad. This shit is easy.

Red Pepper Hummus

1 red bell pepper
1 can of chickpeas
3ish cloves garlic
the juice of 3ish lemons
olive oil
some tahini
salt
cayenne pepper

Do you have a broiler? Use it. Seed and stem (is that a term?) the pepper and place it skin up on some tin foil or a baking sheet if you are an elitist. Drizzle some olive oil on top. Broil until the skin is burning and bubbling evenly. The more burnt the easier to peel. This won't take long in the broiler-5-10 mins. As soon as you pull them out, place the hot peppers in a tuppaware and close tightly. Set aside.

I think Joannie and I would be friends. We both love worthless dull men AND worthless interesting men. We look stunning in green. But my ass needs work. As Roger Sterling sayz, Joan glides across the office like a magnificent ship. I need more ass and some major foundation garments.

Ok, peppers. After a while take the skins off. If you didn't eff it up it should be obvious how this works.

While the peppers are separating from the skin-yep, that's what they are doing there in the tupperware, crush and roughly chop the garlic. Throw it in the food processor, or in my case, blender. Add the lemon juice. We're blending now. Run yer knife through the peppers and throw them in to. We're blending. Add everything else. Do your thang with the spices. I'm not the spice police. Out of Sight is on USA. Git on it!

B.D. Wong sings Tori Amos

Dangerous Liaisons

Whoa. WHOA. Is that a copy of Dangerous Liaisons behind that plate of spinach and feta stuffed chicken and balsamic strawberries? You know what that means!!![Photo] This girl is surfing the crimson wave!!! Therefore, I excuse myself for watching part, and in some cases ALL of the following films today :

-Mother, May I Sleep With Danger - Tori Spelling's mother should be happy she sleeps with anyone. Her breasts are anchored somewhere in her armpits. "Danger" dude is flippin' hot. A pms classic from the lifetime network.
-Black Knight (about a black dude who is a knight. FYI America did not invent racism, knights were racist too, loved watermelon and fried chicken jokes et al etc. such and so on)
-A full hour of Steel Magnolias and now I want a piece of red velvet armadillo cake.
-Hook - didn't Rufio die? Is that an urban legend?
-You know that movie "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"? Didn't watch it but I tried to find pictures of that actor's cock on the internet for like 20 minutes.
-and now, Dangerous Liaisons. Swoozie Kurtz! It needs some major BD Wong, but it is a superior film. BD Wong should have had Keanu's role. Malkovich deserves to get stabbed bya fellow actor of substance. BD Wong deserves to lay like a docile little lamb upon the magnificent, lopsided breasts of one Ms. Glenn Close. I do not "get" why BD Wong is not a romantic leading man. The way he orates on the psychology of rapers is so beguiling!

FYI that chicken I made up there on that plate SUCKED. So here's a really easy recipe for the strawberries.

BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES
-strawberries (how much can you eat in one sitting? Use that much)
-balsamic vinegar (enough to coat the strawberries-a few tbsps)
-sugar (pinch)
-pepper (to taste)

combine in a bowl and make sure the strawberries are coated. Let it sit at room temperature for an hour.

B.D. Wong sings Tori Amos

Here's a sweet lil' treat for ya as you race to finish that bottle of bourbon before noon.

Dangerous Liaisons

Whoa. WHOA. Is that a copy of Dangerous Liaisons behind that plate of spinach and feta stuffed chicken and balsamic strawberries? You know what that means!!! This girl is surfing the crimson wave!!! Therefore, I excuse myself for watching part, and in some cases ALL of the following films today :

-Mother, May I Sleep With Danger - Tori Spelling's mother should be happy she sleeps with anyone. Her breasts are anchored somewhere in her armpits. "Danger" dude is flippin' hot. A pms classic from the lifetime network.
-Black Knight (about a black dude who is a knight. FYI America did not invent racism, knights were racist too, loved watermelon and fried chicken jokes et al etc. such and so on)
-A full hour of Steel Magnolias and now I want a piece of red velvet armadillo cake.
-Hook - didn't Rufio die? Is that an urban legend?
-You know that movie "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"? Didn't watch it but I tried to find pictures of that actor's cock on the internet for like 20 minutes.
-and now, Dangerous Liaisons. Swoozie Kurtz! It needs some major BD Wong, but it is a superior film. BD Wong should have had Keanu's role. Malkovich deserves to get stabbed bya fellow actor of substance. BD Wong deserves to lay like a docile little lamb upon the magnificent, lopsided breasts of one Ms. Glenn Close. I do not "get" why BD Wong is not a romantic leading man. The way he orates on the psychology of rapers is so beguiling!

FYI that chicken I made up there on that plate SUCKED. So here's a really easy recipe for the strawberries.

BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES
-strawberries (how much can you eat in one sitting? Use that much)
-balsamic vinegar (enough to coat the strawberries-a few tbsps)
-sugar (pinch)
-pepper (to taste)

combine in a bowl and make sure the strawberries are coated. Let it sit at room temperature for an hour.

pollo con carne con queso y palta cabra santa margarita dos equis pacifico

Today, we ask the eternal question: How many enchiladas is a single serving? Your single serving might be two enchiladas. Mine yesterday was six! Si, javon, la seeenorita es gorda MUCHO SEXO CON GORDITA!!!!

Let's meet somewhere in the middle and say it's 4 enchiladas. That's a good number.

Here's the ingredients for 4 perfect chicken enchiladas:

-1/2 pound boneless chicken breast, diced
-4 corn tortillas
-1 16 oz jar of storebought green salsa
-1 bag mexican blend cheese (or if you're super buji, 1 to 1 1/2 cups grated pepper jack)
-1/2 a red pepper, seeded and diced
-1 tomato, diced
-1 clove garlic, crushed
-1/2 a white onion, diced
-a little fresh jalapeno if you are a weenie, a whole one if you like spice
-one of those cartons of chicken stock
-scallions for garnish
-1 bay leaf
-1/8 tsp oregano


In a medium saucepan, add a tbsp of olive oil and soften the onion, garlic and red and jalapeno pepper over medium heat. After a few minutes add about two thirds of the carton of chicken stock. Bring that to a boil and add tomatoes, diced chicken, bay leaf and oregano. Lower the heat slightly and stir occasionally while mashing the chicken into the bottom of the pan. Eventually, it will start falling apart. You have to eyeball the chicken-if you have eaten chicken enchiladas, you know how the meat is supposed to look and taste. As the chicken stock evaporates, ask yourself: is my meat up to snuff? Does it need more time in the pot? Add stock as you go if you think it needs time.

I have a masher that I bought from Charles Nelson Reilly's estate sale that I mash this with the whole time it is cooking. I betcha CNR could have made a mint in the cornball biz in Guadalajara-talk about a man who was Telemundo-ready. None of this is helping, is it?

Heat a skillet and add one corn tortilla. With a pastry brush or spoon, brush a thin layer of olive oil onto each side of the tortilla. Not low fat, but this will keep the tortillas from cracking. Once four tortillas are warm and oily, spoon a bit of chicken down the middle, topped by about a tbsp. of green sauce and some cheese. Now roll it up and place in the pan. Repeat x4. And now top with the remaining green sauce and a handful or two of cheese. Broil for a while. Eat out of pan.

I know this recipe is super non-specific but I wanted to post it anyway since Charles Nelson Reilly's masher is involved. Yay Cinco De Mayo Mucho Sexo con Guyos y Cabras en los pantalones!

Pesto Pizza

Making pizza at home for one can be an illuminating experience. See? See how it is shaped like a heart? I didn't even try to do that. IT JUST TURNED OUT THAT WAY. Because carbs and cheese love my ass-like, desperately.

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees, and...

Pizza dough for one:
-1 cup flour
-dash salt
-dash sugar
-1/3 a packet of yeast dissolved in a third a cup of warm water
-splash of olive oil

Mix everything together with your hands-knead dough and add water or flour as needed til that shit is dough. Cover with a bowl and let it rise on the counter top for at least 15 minutes.
Pesto for one:
-Trader Joe's pesto package-remove the stems and chop it very fine-or put it in the food processor if you own a food processor, which I do not-but I do have a blender. And bean grinder. So it is not like I don't have appliances- I do. Just not a food processor.
-one handful of pine nuts
-one handful of parmesan cheese
-one large clove garlic chopped
-2 tbsp olive oil

COMBINE!

Pound or roll out the dough and prick it a few times with a fork. Cook it solo directly on the oven rack for 5-7 minutes. Remove and top with pesto, whatever vegetables you have (mushrooms, broccoli and tomatoes are good) and cook again directly on the oven rack for 7-12 minutes....I have no idea how long it took.